Here’s a bunch of exchanges I’ve had with folks over the last week or so that have stuck with me. You’re gonna wanna read this one. It’s a good one.
…
“You ready for this?”
“Yes. I’ve been ready for this for two years.”
…
“I kinda pictured this scenario where I flew out there and just kinda sat down and talked to this guy. You know, plead my case or whatever.”
“No, nothing like that. All we need to show at this point is that we made a reasonable effort to contact him.”
“I’d rather talk to the guy.”
“Well, there’s what’s legal and there’s what’s right.”
“I’d feel better if I could talk to the guy. I owe him that much.”
…
“So what do you think?”
“I would love that!”
“You don’t have to answer right now, you can think about it if you want.”
“Ok, I’ll think about it.”
“…” Shit
“Do they have dessert here?”
“Yeah. And tater tots.”
“Really!? I love those!”
“Right here… see that? ‘Pot O’ Tots.’ It’s basically a flower pot filled with tater tots.”
“Oh my god!”
“Right?”
“Can I get that?”
“You can get whatever you want kid.”
“Ok I want that and I can’t decide if I want the chocolate chip muffin or the chocolate chip cookie.”
“Whichever you get will be awesome. Pretty sure they get their desserts from Costco.”
…
“She said she’d think about it”
“Good. You have thought about this for a while. I’m glad she is taking time to think too.”
“Yep. Although I have a feeling she will be thinking about it for 8 seconds and then she’ll be totally forgetting the conversation.”
“I don’t know. It’s pretty big, though it is Bob.”
…
“I don’t think she wants this. I don’t think I should bring it up again.”
“Were you listening?”
“Not the whole time, maybe the second half.”
“I think you gave her too much to think about.”
“I guess. Thing is, I think she does want this, but not from me. It was a dumb idea.”
“She’s 11.”
“I wish you hadn’t told her that I was nervous about it. I didn’t want her to feel pressured. Kid’s been through enough. I’m not going to bring it up again”
“Ok.”
…
“You know when I said I would think about it? I thought about it and I want you to.”
“You sure?”
“Yes!”
“Cause you don’t have to, but if you’re sure then like I said, it’s pretty straightforward. Won’t change much but…”
“I know. I want you too.”
“Alright kid, we’ll make it happen. I don’t think there’s anything you gotta do, but the lawyer said it’s pretty straightforward. Just some things we gotta do. I’ll let you know when we have more info.”
Hugs. Lots of hugs. Some tears.
…
“I don’t want you to be there.”
“Ok kid, it’s your party. I’ll stay home. Have a good time.”
“Mommy can tape it and you can watch it at home.”
“Fair enough.”
…
“Chili Dawg just told me she didn’t want me to come but you could tape it for me.”
“No! No! I want you to come! You come! You come! Ok?”
“Right.”
…
“Well there’s definitely something going on in that shoulder. I’m ordering an X-ray but if I can’t see anything based on that I’m ordering an MRI.”
“Fabulous.”
“You have insurance, right?”
“Yeah, hope it’s good. Guess we’ll find out.”
…
“Schedule him for Monday. That kinda pain gives you a good reason to be in a bad mood. Hang in there, alright?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“3pm work for you?”
“Sure.”
“And your copay is $50.”
“Here.”
“Debit or credit?”
“Credit.”
“Here you are.”
“Thanks.”
“Take care.”
“You too.”
…
“We don’t close until noon so if you can get the X-ray and come back with it we could probably see you again and start you on some therapy before we left for the day.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“See you!”
“Thanks.”
“…”
“You want me to drive you there?”
“I don’t have time for an X-ray. I need to get home and change.”
“Just wear what you have on.”
“I can’t! These are bum clothes. You said ‘work clothes,’ remember?”
“This is what I’m wearing…”
“I’ll go Monday morning.”
“Ok.”
…
“He probably won’t come.”
“No wait, there he is. He’s here.”
“Shit.”
“Well, I could move here and you could…”
“He can sit next to me.”
“You sure?”
“I don’t give a shit. It’s easier that way.”
…
“Good to see you Dan.”
“You too.” Most reviled handshake ever followed by almost 2 hours of Oscar-worthy performance and Job-level patience.
…
“I think you’re next Chili Dawg.”
“I just want mommy and daddy, not you.”
“That’s fine kid. It’s your graduation.” Forced chuckle
“That’s fine but you don’t need to be rude.”
Thanks but don’t bother, mommy. This kind of thing comes with the title. Exactly what they want when they can’t have what they want. A “step” just below I suppose.
…
“I need to go but my husband is going to stay until he leaves.”
“Ok, no problem.”
“Thanks.”
…
“So how long are you planning on staying?”
“Oh I don’t know, a while. I figure most of the teachers are hoping all the kids get picked up so they can get an early Friday. I think Chili Dawg has a date with her grandmother pretty soon anyway.”
“Oh, well I guess I’ll go say my goodbyes. Good to see you again Dan.” Another fucking handshake. Another missed opportunity. Another loss. Another moral victory. A high ground of reality separating me from the bullshit I’d almost convinced myself of up until today. A high ground from which I get to watch the lingering embrace between father and daughter like some prison warden witnessing and wielding the forces of evil keeping a family apart.
“He just left so I’m going to go.”
“Ok. Thanks Dan.”
“Yeah.” A short walk to the kid.
“See you.”
A wave followed by dashing off to play with her friends.
…
“Hello?”
“Hey, is this Dan?”
“Yeah.”
“Hi, this is Kyle. I just got your email. Is she ok?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Thank you for calling me, there’s some stuff I wanted to talk to you about if that’s cool.”
“Sure.”
“It’s gotta be getting kinda weird talking to Rebekah’s husbands I guess.”
“Yeah” Nervous chuckle.
“Well look… um… here’s the thing dude, I don’t know you or know anything about you but um, I just wanted to thank you. You contributed to this kid and she’s amazing and I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything. And I want you to know that I’m always going to love her. And I’m always going to take care of her. And I’m always going to keep her safe. I needed you to know that.”
“I’m really glad to hear that, man.”
“And I don’t want to block you out either. I want the kid to get to know you and we think she’s ready for that. We don’t think of you like we do XH. You and her were just kids back then and it sounds like you got your stuff together and she did too.”
“Yeah. Her and I were basically cancer to each other. But that was a long time ago. We haven’t really talked since like Bob was 1. We talked on the phone maybe once or twice since then. When XH contacted me on Facebook that time, her and I had talked about me getting to know Bob, but I know she wasn’t comfortable with it at the time.”
“It was rough for her back then. XH basically abandoned her. He raised her until she was 8 and then wanted nothing to do with her.”
“I knew something was going on and I figured throwing me into the mix probably wasn’t the right time. But if she’s got some of me in her then she’s gotta be smart as hell so I figured one day she’d wanna get to know me.”
Some less nervous laughter between two strangers.
“Definitely man. She’s definitely ready for that. I wanted you to know that I’m going to adopt her. I love that little girl man. I love her like she was my own. And I’m going to take care of her and I definitely want you to be a part of her life.”
“That’s cool man. I’m really glad to hear that.”
“If it’s cool with you, we’re gonna send some stuff your way to check out. I’m not sure what’s in it but it’s basically some kinda legal notice or something.”
“Oh definitely. I’m actually getting ready to move for work so I will give that address as soon as I have it, or you could email me the stuff when you get it.”
“Awesome. I really appreciate that.”
“Yeah, I remember once when XH got in touch with me asking me to give up parental rights or whatever. Something about that guy, just didn’t seem right. But you, you’re sending an email and reaching out and that’s a good sign.”
“I appreciate that. And actually it’s not even that complicated really. The lawyer said we just needed to make a good effort to contact you but I wanted to at least let know you that she was safe and with somebody that cares about her.”
“Yeah that’s really good to hear. So yeah whatever you need to send me, great and when she’s ready, I’m not hard to contact. She could call or we could email or something. Her and I could get to know each other and so could you and I.”
“That would be great man. Thank you.”
Some awkward closing statements to a meaningful discussion between two strangers who apparently have a common goal and a mutual respect.
…
So that’s what’s been going on in my life… Chili Dawg graduated Preschool and had all the stress a five year old experiences leading up to her first experience of all the parental units in one room and wanting to make sure daddy didn’t feel slighted. I openly admit I was crushed several times by that kid within the last few days. There was a lot of self pity going on here until I finally realized… she’s five. That’s a hell of a lot for a five year old to process, especially one who sees her father for 4 hours a month at the most.
Besides, I was the same way. Even as a little guy I was very much aware of the tension between all the parents and I remember the stuff I used to do… which was essentially the best I knew how to do… be five.
Sorry I took it personally, Chili Dawg. I’ll try to do better next time. Thanks for hugging me last night and for not noticing the mound of emotional dust you crushed me into. I know we’re cool. I’ll get your cereal as soon as I’m done here so chill out.
There’s something going on with my neck, right shoulder, right arm and right hand. One doc said “trigger point.” No idea what that is. Gave me steroids. No help. Another doc said “neck injury.” Don’t remember getting injured. Gave me stronger steroids. No help. Chiropractor wants to look at an X-ray because he has no clue what’s going on. More on that as it develops I suppose.
Should be closing on a house this week. Don’t wanna jinx it so I’m not saying much else besides, “Thank you.” That goes to several folks. None of this would have ever happened without the tremendous generosity we’ve been shown.
Oh… And I’ve started the adoption process for Bob.
Invitations will be coming out for “Gotcha Day,” a concept Bob and I have shamelessly ripped off of a Disney show about a family with adopted children… it will celebrate the day I look at Bob and say, “You’re mine now. I gotcha.”
There’s going to be a party for the first “Gotcha Day,” then we will likely celebrate on our own in years to come. But this time there’s going to be a party There’s going to be food. There’s going to be music. There’s going to be friends and family.
And we both expect presents.
We will be registering at various stores (there is nothing about this that is not supposed to be taken seriously. Gifts. We want them). This is a combination baby shower/birthday only not for babies and nobody is getting any older.
There will be speeches. So bring tissues.
The kid gave me a note the other day that I will post here…
Yes, I totally photo-shopped (badly) a little bit under “Love Bob,” because she had written “Love *real name*” and then erased it (on her own!). So I have not tampered with the artistic intent of the piece… I just didn’t put a kid’s name on the internet because I’m still weird about that for some reason. Plus check it out! She totally confirmed the “Bob” thing.
Did you cry? I did. And for good reason too. I’m going to be a father…
It’s a girl.
